Written By Jason Sugg
Has this ever happened to you? You’re talking to people and suddenly you realize that you just said something bone-headed, or forgot a key piece of information, or inadvertently referenced a tender spot for someone? You might feel flooded with emotion, especially shame and self-criticism. Your focus narrows, your breathing gets shallow, and it becomes very difficult to think clearly. In fact, the only thing you can really think about is how badly you just screwed up.
This response is totally normal. We’ve ALL stepped in it this way. And it’s okay! We’re geared to spot social danger, and what you’re experiencing is your body’s response to finding itself in a situation where you could have done something that was dangerous to your belonging to a group.
Again, totally normal, but it does leave your mind-body system in a state where it needs some specific types of tending in order to get back to its regular functioning. So here’s a step-by-step process that you can try on and see if it works for you.
Breathe. Take a couple of deep breaths, and really let yourself feel them as your diaphragm rises with the in-breath, is full at the top of the breath, and then falls with the out-breath. Alternatively you can just pay attention to the flow of air over your upper lip as you breathe in and out. Tracking this sensation sends a signal that things are safe and that your body can start to relax. Often this is enough to settle people down and allow them to return to normal functioning.
Remind yourself that it’s okay, you just made a mistake, but it’s unlikely you do anything truly dangerous. You’re safe, and whatever happened, it’s just needing some repair. That will look different in different situations, but it’s doable.
Get yourself some space. If you’re still around the people you found yourself embarrassed in front of, and the first two steps aren’t calming you down, then it can be helpful to get a little space for a few minutes. Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom, or walk outside for a few minutes. Engaging the senses here can be really helpful – there are many ways to do this. Here are a few, but feel free to come up with your own:
Run cold water over your hands and really feel the sensation, or drink a glass of cold water and feel it flowing down your esophagus and into your belly.
Gently stroke your own skin. The inside of the forearm can be a good spot that is highly sensitive, or sometimes it’s helpful to gently touch your face and neck. Again, really let yourself feel the sensation.
Look around wherever you are and name to yourself things you see, then things you hear, then things you smell, then things whose touch you can feel (air currents, clothes, etc.), then things you taste.
Go for a walk. If none of this works, then getting away from the situation and going for a walk can help your body discharge some of the self-protective energy it is feeling.
Try these out and let me know how they work for you!
